Turning the big "50" but feeling 30something

It's here -2017, the year I,  ME, turn 50 years old. It would be safe to say that I am NOT READY to be "old"....but really, is age just a number? Yes and no, it's a passing of time, a collection of experiences and events, ups and downs, happiness and grieve, success and failures, wins and losses. But is that all that my life is? Isn't there more, there has to be more, an external soul, an undying spirit, death approaching not as an end but another step, other existence, the return to the great unifying energy that comprises the whole of the universe, the alpha and the omega...