Recently I discovered parts of myself that I didn't even know existed.. parts of me suppressed and hidden, so tucked away that I refused to believe that they existed. The feminine me, the "girly" me, the me interested in make-up and clothes, the me that cares about how I look, the me unapologetic about my sexuality, the me embracing my bisexuality, the me interested in men but not because I need a man, but because I enjoy their company. Recognizing the whole "men are visual" trope although I really feel like "being visual" is a human trait, not limited to only men...I am visual. BUT I digress...One Sunday night, I put on make-up, got all "dolled up" and went absolutely no where. I took selfies, lots of selfies, different lighting, different filters, different poses - in color, in black and white. Out of what seemed like dozens, a few stood out. I was amazed at the results..... I shared and posted them and marveled at the reactions! One admirer compared me to a 1940s movie star. I was filled with a warm, fuzzy feeling. One that I had not had in quite a while, maybe never had.. I looked at the photos, they did indeed looked great. It was hard to believe that it was ME. I shared them with my daughter, jokingly saying "it doesn't even look at me!" to which she exclaimed "Yes, it does, it looks JUST like you!". I wanted to cry... And then it dawned on me, what that warm, fuzzy feeling was.. I felt "pretty", no, I felt BEAUTIFUL. And not it the "I'm a queen, I'm a goddess, my beauty radiates from within" affirmation beautiful, but for the first time since I can't recall, I felt my outside was beautiful too....And guessed what I did last Sunday? Some may look at selfies and read this and think EGO and that's fine.... not every one understands why I do what I do... but having spent years suppressing my femininity and then years ignoring it, I'm making the most of it now, while I can.
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