20 things that would ruin a wedding besides numbers on a scale

the following is in response to one of those 'reality' shows........ all the opinions that appear in this blog are strictly IMHO

the 20 top things that would ruin my wedding BEFORE numbers on a scale-

20. the florists messes up and instead of yellow roses, you have red tulips which now totally clash with your bridesmaids' dresses

19. uncle rob/sam/chuey/bob gets too drunk to drive your grandmother home and you get stuck paying for a cab and a hotel room with your gift card VISA that said grandmother gave you

18. an ex-boyfriend shows up UN-invited

17. said ex shows up with current girlfriend who wants you to 'step outside'

16. the wedding cake gets poked by your 3 year nephew REPEATEDLY and he has green snot flowing out of his nose

15. you get your period a week earlier than you thought and now you wished you had taken that dare and ordered a RED wedding dress

14. all of the grooms men have rashes on their faces because after the rehearsal dinner, they thought playing football in the field infested with poison ivy would be fun

13. your father who was going to 'give you away' gets food poisoning from the rehearsal dinner and in the hospital the day of the wedding

12. your mother misses your wedding because of 13 - she can't leave her hospital bed either

11. the band you hired for the dance goes AWOL and your younger brother shows up with his garage band as a replacement and they can only play Guns N Roses songs

10. you trip getting out of the limo and ALL of your guests hear you yell "OH F*CK" in front of the church

9. the minister misses your mouth and pours RED communion wine down the front of your wedding dress

8. the minister DRANK all the communion wine before the service and is now slurring so badly you begin to doubt if your marriage is valid

7. the hall you reserved for your June wedding in Texas experiences A/C failure

6. the sunny beautiful wedding you planned at the banks of the river turns into a flash flood that sets a state record for destruction

5. you cough and giggle uncontrollably throughout the entire ceremony due to nerves, ending by saying "I DO" with a loud fart

4. a elderly uncle at the dance becomes over excited and drops dead in the middle of dancing to "Celebration" with his 30something girlfriend

3. the caterer forgets the bride's mother is allergic to peanuts and uses peanut oil to cook the meal

2.the groom shows up late because he was bailing a friend out of jail and he's hung over and still tripping on the hit of acid he dropped the night before at the bachelor's party, making for a not-so-hot honeymoon night

AND THE #1 THING THAT WOULD RUIN A WEDDING BESIDES NUMBERS ON A SCALE:
the groom skips town and you're left alone, standing at the altar