untitled (for now)

Know this and never
 forget
this is a goddess that kneels
 before you
offers her soul, her body,
                                      her love.
will you be honorable
                       and not shame her
                            will you accept and return her love?

or will you crush her love? her spirit, break her heart?
                  for even a goddess can
                                                         fall
                                                               in love
with the wonder that is
                                        a man

a man like you.....................

Ancient Woman

I began writing this during our trip to Big Bend in October 2018... I'm glad I finally finished it


I am an ancient woman
the blood that flows through my veins is like the rain
each drop a perpetual reincarnation of blood borne, blood shed.
I am an ancient woman
my bones fossils, eons of history etched in stone
one day to be found long after I draw my last breath.
I am an ancient woman
my skin is brown, baked by the Sun for centuries.
I am an ancient woman
ravines and valleys the scars and wrinkles of a life lived - sometimes hard,
other times a bit less hard.
I an ancient woman
my hair is the forest;  new growth and old - layers of colors from green to brown with hints of red as the leaves in fall.
I am an ancient woman
my Spring and summer have passed
the autumn descends upon me and the end is the only part left but to hate Winter I cannot.
I am an ancient woman
a healer
gazer of stars
starter of fires
conqueror of fears.
I am an ancient woman
my heart has beat for thousands of years - many times broken and healed over,
my thoughts are the sand grains on the beach
constant never ending, never fully contained
always lingering long after the trip to the shore is done.
I am an ancient woman.

I will not drown

"sugar melts but shit floats, you'll be fine in the rain" 
I was once told....
but I no longer fear drowning - 
let the skies open up and the rain come down on me 
                     for yes 
                                 sugar may melt 
                                            but 
                                                   gold 
                                                             sinks 
                                             
                                                                  and I have grown gills.

I Braid My Hair

I braid my hair
     to trap my sorrow so my
          heart is not burdened

I braid my hair
    to keep my fears from 
           drowning my courage

I braid my hair
    to keep my ignorance from
           shutting my eyes and ears to wisdom

I braid my hair
     to keep the actions of my enemies
           from tainting my soul

I braid my hair
      to hold my magick close
                and keep it bright from 
                                the darkness of this world...

I braid my hair
     as did my grandmothers
             long before the moon and sun were old

.... I braid my hair..........

Peace

She felt nothing in that moment - hips grinding together, rising and falling, his manliness thrust inside her and her body eagerly, eating him whole - at that moment of all connectedness, of all surrender she felt...... nothing and in that nothingness was peace. No anger, no sadness, no anxiety or worry - in that moment of nothing she felt peace; a calm, soothing body of warm water embracing her every cell - peace. And she knew then, at that moment, there was hope for her life after all.


summer 2017

Skin

my skin

lines
etched in time upon the road maps
of this living,
                           breathing,
                                                     aging,
                                                                       body.
  a wish for a curious mind,
                                                  a lucky hand
                                            to trace the winding lines
connect the dots, the spots
                                          marks and scars.

must  have an eye for mystery
       one that sees not an old, saggy
                                          bag of bones and fat
but sees
                   a  woman.

a woman who  has loved, lived, who has been
 broken
                 and re-born;
sees not an imperfect
                             surface but instead,
                                      a landscape
 of songs, curses, dreams and heartbreaks.

my skin

rarely boring and never smooth
                       sailing
                                         always real,
now ready,
                  waiting to share.

I feel pretty, oh so pretty.... for the 1st time in a decade....

Recently I discovered parts of myself that I didn't even know existed.. parts of me suppressed and hidden, so tucked away that I refused to believe that they existed. The feminine me, the "girly" me, the me interested in make-up and clothes, the me that cares about how I look, the me unapologetic about my sexuality, the me embracing my bisexuality, the me interested in men but not because I need a man, but because I enjoy their company. Recognizing the whole "men are visual" trope although I really feel like "being visual" is a human trait, not limited to only men...I am visual. BUT I digress...One Sunday night, I put on make-up, got all "dolled up" and went absolutely no where. I took selfies, lots of selfies, different lighting, different filters, different poses - in color, in black and white. Out of what seemed like dozens, a few stood out. I was amazed at the results.....  I shared and posted them and marveled at the reactions! One admirer compared me to a 1940s movie star. I was filled with a warm, fuzzy feeling. One that I had not had in quite a while, maybe never had.. I looked at the photos, they did indeed looked great. It was hard to believe that it was ME.  I shared them with my daughter, jokingly saying "it doesn't even look at me!" to which she exclaimed "Yes, it does, it looks JUST like you!". I wanted to cry... And then it dawned on me, what that warm, fuzzy feeling was.. I felt "pretty", no, I felt BEAUTIFUL. And not it the "I'm a queen, I'm a goddess, my beauty radiates from within" affirmation beautiful, but for the first time since I can't recall, I felt my outside was beautiful too....And guessed what  I did last Sunday? Some may look at selfies and read this and think EGO and that's fine.... not every one understands why I do what I do... but having spent years suppressing my femininity and then years ignoring it, I'm making the most of it now, while I can.