1950s are SO OVER

Dos and DON'Ts for a 1950’s housewife appeared in a 1955 edition of Good House Keeping Magazine

• Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

• After all, catering to his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

• Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.

• Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

• Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.

• Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.

• A good wife always knows her place.

so here is MY RESPONSE:

To All Husbands (and men to hope to be) -

Remember your wife had more than one suitor to choose from and you must work to keep your #1 spot.

You will NEVER know the pain and hardship your wife went through to bear your children– you need to show your gratitude for this everyday. (no matter how many diapers you change or bottles you fix, its nothing compared to going through labor!)

If your wife is the one who has to do all the housework and childcare, how can you expect her to have any time and energy to be intimate with you?
(studies show husbands who help around the house, have more sex!)

Marriage is a partnership and therefore, both partners should have a say.

And last but not least, regardless of what your buddies in the locker room say, a big d**k is NOT all we are looking for and will only make up for so much.

Funny Forwards: Men are Just Happier People

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura,
Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and
John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for
$32.50.None of them will have anything smaller and none
will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket
calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need
but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his
bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor,
a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these
items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any
argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of
a new argument.

CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money
than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants,
empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
A woman knows all about her children. She knows
about dentist appointments and romances, best friends,
favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the
house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his
mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the
same thing.

Funny Forwards: Obama "exotic" but Palin "American"

I'm a little confused. Let me see if I have this
straight.....

* If you grow up in Hawaii, raised by your grandparents,
you're "exotic, different."
* Grow up in Alaska eating moose burgers, a
quintessential American story.

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* If your name is Barack you're a radical, unpatriotic
Muslim.
* Name your kids Willow, Trig and Track, you're a
maverick.

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* Graduate from Harvard law School and you are unstable.
* Attend 5 different small colleges before graduating,
you're well grounded.
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* If you spend 3 years as a brilliant community organizer,
become the first black President of the Harvard Law Review,
create a voter registration drive that registers 150,000 new
voters, spend 12 years as a Constitutional Law professor,
spend 8 years as a State Senator representing a district
with over 750,000 people, become chairman of the state
Senate's Health and Human Services committee, spend 4
years in the United States Senate representing a state of
13 million people while sponsoring 131 bills and serving
on the Foreign Affairs, Environment and Public Works and
Veteran's Affairs committees, you don't have any
real leadership experience.


* If your total resume is: local weather girl, 4 years on
the city council and 6 years as the mayor of a town with
less than 7,000 people, 20 months as the governor of a state
with only 650,000 people, then you're qualified to
become the country's second highest ranking executive.
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* If you have been married to the same woman for 19 years
while raising 2 beautiful daughters, all within Protestant
churches, you're not a real Christian.

* If you cheated on your first wife with a rich heiress,
and left your disfigured wife and married the heiress the
next month, you're a Christian.
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* If you teach responsible, age appropriate sex education,
including the proper use of birth control, you are eroding
the fibre of society.

* If, while governor, you staunchly advocate abstinence
only, with no other option in sex education in your
state's school system while your unwed teen daughter
ends up pregnant, you're very responsible.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


* If your wife is a Harvard graduate lawyer who gave up a
position in a prestigious law firm to work for the
betterment of her inner city community, then gave that up to
raise a family, your family's values don't
represent America's.

* If you're husband is nicknamed "First
Dude", with at least one DWI conviction and no
college education, who didn't register to vote until age
25 and once was a member of a group that advocated the
secession of Alaska from the USA, your family is extremely
admirable.
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OK, much clearer now.

Funny Forwards: Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies

Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies

1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup or brown sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila

Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl,
check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality,
pour one level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter
in a large fluffy bowl.

Add one peastoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point
it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still ok, try another
cup just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy.

Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup
of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit off the floor.

Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters just pry
it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who geeves
a sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table.

Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can
find.

Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall
over.

Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the
Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the wishdasher.

Cherry Mistmas !

Funny Forwards: Banned from Wal-Mart

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she loved to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Gilbert
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Gilbert are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras .

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4 July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

2. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through yelled, 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed, 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least...

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

Sincerely,
Wal-Mart

Funny Forwards: "Happy" M&Ms

Funny Forwards: Funny Texan

Friendly Texan or Too Tight Mini-skirt

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing
a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it
was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to
allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she
reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give
her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to
discover that she couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to
unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.
Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip
a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her
up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled,
"How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree
with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind'a figured we was
friends."

funny forwards: A Woman's Prayer

A Woman's Prayer:

Dear Lord, I pray for:
Wisdom, To understand a man;
Love, To forgive him and;
Patience, For his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength
I'll just beat him to death

funny forwards - Dear Tech Support

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0.
I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that
took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0
installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system
activity.
Applications such as Poker Night 10.3 - Football 5.0 -
Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system
whenever selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while
attempting to run my favorite applications.

I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't
work on Wife 1.0.
Please help!

Thanks,
A Troubled User.

_________________________

REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade
from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and
Entertainment program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run
EVERYTHING!!!
It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It
is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once
installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed not to allow
this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support." I
recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation.
I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate
software augmentation. The best course of action is to enter the command
C:\APOLOGIZE. Because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command
before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife
1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It
1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs.
Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5.
Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to
purchase additional software.
I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0.

Warning!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, Install Secretary With Short
Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause
irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

20 things that would ruin a wedding besides numbers on a scale

the following is in response to one of those 'reality' shows........ all the opinions that appear in this blog are strictly IMHO

the 20 top things that would ruin my wedding BEFORE numbers on a scale-

20. the florists messes up and instead of yellow roses, you have red tulips which now totally clash with your bridesmaids' dresses

19. uncle rob/sam/chuey/bob gets too drunk to drive your grandmother home and you get stuck paying for a cab and a hotel room with your gift card VISA that said grandmother gave you

18. an ex-boyfriend shows up UN-invited

17. said ex shows up with current girlfriend who wants you to 'step outside'

16. the wedding cake gets poked by your 3 year nephew REPEATEDLY and he has green snot flowing out of his nose

15. you get your period a week earlier than you thought and now you wished you had taken that dare and ordered a RED wedding dress

14. all of the grooms men have rashes on their faces because after the rehearsal dinner, they thought playing football in the field infested with poison ivy would be fun

13. your father who was going to 'give you away' gets food poisoning from the rehearsal dinner and in the hospital the day of the wedding

12. your mother misses your wedding because of 13 - she can't leave her hospital bed either

11. the band you hired for the dance goes AWOL and your younger brother shows up with his garage band as a replacement and they can only play Guns N Roses songs

10. you trip getting out of the limo and ALL of your guests hear you yell "OH F*CK" in front of the church

9. the minister misses your mouth and pours RED communion wine down the front of your wedding dress

8. the minister DRANK all the communion wine before the service and is now slurring so badly you begin to doubt if your marriage is valid

7. the hall you reserved for your June wedding in Texas experiences A/C failure

6. the sunny beautiful wedding you planned at the banks of the river turns into a flash flood that sets a state record for destruction

5. you cough and giggle uncontrollably throughout the entire ceremony due to nerves, ending by saying "I DO" with a loud fart

4. a elderly uncle at the dance becomes over excited and drops dead in the middle of dancing to "Celebration" with his 30something girlfriend

3. the caterer forgets the bride's mother is allergic to peanuts and uses peanut oil to cook the meal

2.the groom shows up late because he was bailing a friend out of jail and he's hung over and still tripping on the hit of acid he dropped the night before at the bachelor's party, making for a not-so-hot honeymoon night

AND THE #1 THING THAT WOULD RUIN A WEDDING BESIDES NUMBERS ON A SCALE:
the groom skips town and you're left alone, standing at the altar