NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura,
Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and
John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for
$32.50.None of them will have anything smaller and none
will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket
calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need
but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his
bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor,
a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these
items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any
argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of
a new argument.
CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money
than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants,
empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
A woman knows all about her children. She knows
about dentist appointments and romances, best friends,
favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the
house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his
mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the
same thing.
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0.
I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that
took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0
installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system
activity.
Applications such as Poker Night 10.3 - Football 5.0 -
Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system
whenever selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while
attempting to run my favorite applications.
I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't
work on Wife 1.0.
Please help!
Thanks,
A Troubled User.
_________________________
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade
from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and
Entertainment program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run
EVERYTHING!!!
It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It
is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once
installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed not to allow
this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support." I
recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation.
I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate
software augmentation. The best course of action is to enter the command
C:\APOLOGIZE. Because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command
before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife
1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It
1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs.
Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5.
Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to
purchase additional software.
I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0.
Warning!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, Install Secretary With Short
Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause
irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support
