funny forwards: A Woman's Prayer

A Woman's Prayer:

Dear Lord, I pray for:
Wisdom, To understand a man;
Love, To forgive him and;
Patience, For his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength
I'll just beat him to death

funny forwards - Dear Tech Support

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0.
I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that
took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0
installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system
activity.
Applications such as Poker Night 10.3 - Football 5.0 -
Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system
whenever selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while
attempting to run my favorite applications.

I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't
work on Wife 1.0.
Please help!

Thanks,
A Troubled User.

_________________________

REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade
from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and
Entertainment program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run
EVERYTHING!!!
It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It
is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once
installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed not to allow
this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support." I
recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation.
I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate
software augmentation. The best course of action is to enter the command
C:\APOLOGIZE. Because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command
before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife
1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It
1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs.
Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5.
Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to
purchase additional software.
I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0.

Warning!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, Install Secretary With Short
Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause
irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

20 things that would ruin a wedding besides numbers on a scale

the following is in response to one of those 'reality' shows........ all the opinions that appear in this blog are strictly IMHO

the 20 top things that would ruin my wedding BEFORE numbers on a scale-

20. the florists messes up and instead of yellow roses, you have red tulips which now totally clash with your bridesmaids' dresses

19. uncle rob/sam/chuey/bob gets too drunk to drive your grandmother home and you get stuck paying for a cab and a hotel room with your gift card VISA that said grandmother gave you

18. an ex-boyfriend shows up UN-invited

17. said ex shows up with current girlfriend who wants you to 'step outside'

16. the wedding cake gets poked by your 3 year nephew REPEATEDLY and he has green snot flowing out of his nose

15. you get your period a week earlier than you thought and now you wished you had taken that dare and ordered a RED wedding dress

14. all of the grooms men have rashes on their faces because after the rehearsal dinner, they thought playing football in the field infested with poison ivy would be fun

13. your father who was going to 'give you away' gets food poisoning from the rehearsal dinner and in the hospital the day of the wedding

12. your mother misses your wedding because of 13 - she can't leave her hospital bed either

11. the band you hired for the dance goes AWOL and your younger brother shows up with his garage band as a replacement and they can only play Guns N Roses songs

10. you trip getting out of the limo and ALL of your guests hear you yell "OH F*CK" in front of the church

9. the minister misses your mouth and pours RED communion wine down the front of your wedding dress

8. the minister DRANK all the communion wine before the service and is now slurring so badly you begin to doubt if your marriage is valid

7. the hall you reserved for your June wedding in Texas experiences A/C failure

6. the sunny beautiful wedding you planned at the banks of the river turns into a flash flood that sets a state record for destruction

5. you cough and giggle uncontrollably throughout the entire ceremony due to nerves, ending by saying "I DO" with a loud fart

4. a elderly uncle at the dance becomes over excited and drops dead in the middle of dancing to "Celebration" with his 30something girlfriend

3. the caterer forgets the bride's mother is allergic to peanuts and uses peanut oil to cook the meal

2.the groom shows up late because he was bailing a friend out of jail and he's hung over and still tripping on the hit of acid he dropped the night before at the bachelor's party, making for a not-so-hot honeymoon night

AND THE #1 THING THAT WOULD RUIN A WEDDING BESIDES NUMBERS ON A SCALE:
the groom skips town and you're left alone, standing at the altar

side effects vs quality of life

while i should be used to this already, having lived in a capitalistic society my whole life, i am still shocked and appalled at the thought that medical research is driven by DRUG companies that want to make money INSTEAD of being driven by scientists and doctors who want to CURE patients. for example, the debate over whether or not marijuana should be legalized for MEDICINAL PURPOSES. thousands of testimonials don't mean a hill of beans in the 'scientific' world however the studies that have suggested that this plant which has been used for thousands of years by various cultures for a multitude of ailments really DOES have medicinal value are NEVER taken to the next step due to the lack of funding AND the obstacles that testing with an illegal substance present. while i have enjoyed smoking for relaxation and 'recreational' purposes in the past, it sickens me when i think about all those who are suffering that could be helped by this plant. the hypocrisy of it makes me vomit as there are THOUSANDS of drugs prescribed daily to millions of people that have FAR WORSE SIDE EFFECTS than those present with marijuana. and those drugs are prescribed for things that are not debilitating; chronic pain, nausea, seizures, anxiety - these are all things that greatly affect the quality of life, the ability to make a living, care for oneself and children, spouses, parents, etc. for example, there are plenty of medicines that are so damaging to your liver and kidneys that patients must be tested every 6 months. it makes no sense to me that drugs that have the ability to permanently damage your organs [and these are necessary for LIFE], that side effects like those are considered OK by the drug company and FDA standards BUT the incidental 'high' one MAY get from marijuana is a big NO-NO, no matter how great the benefits are.
i have seen first hand the ravages of chemo therapy and radiation and i have witnessed first hand the wonders marijuana can do for regaining one's appetite and overcoming the constant nausea that comes from a treatment that is basically KILLING parts of your insides. the attached video was very informative on the current state of the campaign to legalize medicinal marijuana. hope you get a chance to watch and be informed. THE DRUG COMPANIES SHOULD NOT DETERMINE WHETHER OR NOT YOU OR YOUR LOVED ONES HAS ACCESS TO WHAT IS NEEDED TO BE HEALTHY, TO LIVE BETTER.

link for PBS video http://watch.montanapbs.org/video/1825223761/

photo credit:
http://blogs.sfweekly.com/thesnitch/2009/09/chronic_city_summing_up_the_ev.php

The Best Foods For Better Sex | Eat This, Not That

The Best Foods For Better Sex | Eat This, Not That

love quotes, love songs, love movies- Mary's list

okay, here is MY LIST of quotes about love, some 'most romantic/best love' songs and a few movies too. its a very short list, esp the movies since i tend to run away from the hollywood traditional 'love' story.

PART ONE - quotes about LOVE

"Spread love everywhere you go: first of all in your own house. Give love to your children, to your wife or husband, to a next door neighbor... Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier. Be the living expression of God's kindness; kindness in your face, kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile, kindness in your warm greeting."
—Mother Teresa

"I love you for the part of me that you bring out."
—Elizabeth Barrett Browning

"Love and kindness are never wasted. They always make a difference. They bless the one who receives them, and they bless you, the giver."
—Barbara DeAngelis

"For twas not into my ear you whispered
But into my heart
Twas not my lips you kissed
But my soul"
—Judy Garland

"Love is missing someone whenever you're apart, but somehow feeling warm inside because you're close in heart."
—Kay Knudsen

"Love doesn't just sit there, like a stone; it has to be made, like bread, remade all the time, made new."
—Ursula K. Le Guin

"A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person."
—Mignon McLaughlin

"Draw a circle, not a heart, around the one you love because a heart can break but a circle goes on forever."
— Unknown

PART TWO - my fav romantic/love songs

"Lady" - Styx
"Lady" - Kenny Rogers
"You Look Wonderful Tonight" – Eric Clapton
"Let Me" –Pat Green
"Natural Woman" – Carol King
"Talk To Me" – Sunny & the Sunglos
"Your Song" - Elton John

PART THREE - my fav romance/love movies

"My Sweet November"
"Corpse Bride"
"Practical Magic"
"Baby Boom"
"Bedazzled"
"West Side Story"

okay, i have a quirky sense of "love" stories - really, i run from, run screaming from them for the most part...

PART FOUR: my fav books about LOVE

Wuthering Heights
Little Women

ok, again, when i was growing up and an avid reader, can you say 'book worm'?, i tended towards the Stephen King - Dean Koontz section as well as J.R.R.Tolkein, Edgar Allen Poe, etc.... you get the picture

and my one of my favorite quotes on marriage, actually, part of the vows in Tim Burton's "The Corpse Bride" -

With this hand I will lift your sorrows. Your cup will never be empty, for I will be your wine. With this candle, I will light your way into darkness. With this ring, I ask you to be mine.


PHOTO CRDEDIT:
SCRAPETV.COM

countdown to Valentine's day 2011

well folks i have BIG plans for the big V-day such as posting a 'love' quote on facebook today through monday, a survey of all time MOST romantic love songs, books, movies, etc and blogging about memorable and not so memorable V-days of the past. as always, the things i write here are all IMHO - that is, its not right, its not wrong, its just IN MY HUMBLE OPINION. also i want to express my appreciation for another blogger's piece titled 'four things every guy should learn to do' by scott johnson.

here are the 4 things every guy should learn to do:
1. clean up after yourself
2. cook a nice dinner - not just mac & cheese out of the box
3. how to give a foot massage
4. how to DANCE

i particularly love the last one. i mean what is more romantic than being in your man's arms as you dance across the dancefloor [well i guess it usually in large circles], stealing an occasional kiss or gazing deeply into each others' eyes...no its only MORE romantic if is a love song and he is singing to you. of course gyrating and 'grinding' on the dance floor, getting all sweaty, can be equally desirable :)

first, my all time PET PEEVES about Valentine's Day:
1. flowers bought at the gas station on the way home at the last minute! this is only worse if you add one of those horribly cheaply made stuffed animals

2. all the fuss about roses - yes, they are classic, they are classy but maybe your favorite flower is a sunflower or tulips or lillys!

3. cheap chocolate! don't skimp here especially if your loved one LOVES the dark beauty; one or two fine pieces beats a pound of hersey's kisses any day

4. over priced dinners and over crowded restaurants - you do NOT have to make reservations 3 months in advance to a "fancy" place you have never been to [unless of course your loved one has been begging to go there for the last 3 months] pick a place that not only would you enjoy any night of the week but even better, pick one that has memories - meaning to your relationship. yes the local pizza/burger/taco joint where you first took her/him or where you munched out after a hot date of dancing etc means TONS more than the fancy/schmancy over priced over crowded spot.

5. assuming its only about couples - its about LOVE and there are lots of people you love besides your special lady or your man; mothers, fathers, sisters, sons and daughters, brothers, even your co-workers deserve some LOVE. bake a cake, make cookies, bring breakfast tacos, etc.

OK, enough with the negative, here is some of my FAVORITE things to do for/with that special someone on Valentine's Day besides the typical dinner/movie date:

1. the picnic - i know depending on what the weather in your neck of the woods, this may mean a blanket spread on the floor in the living room or a meal taken in a screened in, heated porch.
what i like to have in my picnic basket: a good smoked sausage paired with a good smoked cheese, a fresh loaf of french bread, some fruit like grapes, granny smith apples or strawberries, olives or pickles [gotta have my salty snack fix], almonds or other favorite nuts, and a good bottle of dry white wine. YUM
picnics are romantic due to the privacy, simplicity, and leisure factor

2. a home cooked meal and dessert - no one can NOT feel good when they feel pampered and knowing your sweetheart worked hard in the kitchen so you don't have to, is very thoughtful and makes you feel oh so warm and special inside :) again, it doesn't have to be elaborate but i'm not talking opening a can of beef stew either. KNOWING what foods your significant other likes to eat is a MUST as well as being aware of any food allergies

3. a surprise gift - ok, yes diamonds may be a girl's best friend and cards, flowers, and candy the staples of the day but a well thought out gift hidden so that your loved one finds it unexpectedly totally ROCKS. for example, that hideous metal-band shirt that you ragged him about so he didn't buy, well he liked it so buy and then tuck it under his pillow or sneak into his car.

4. for the very serious, i'm going-to-my-grave with you relationships, matching tattoos. i know who really wants to spend the evening enduring pain while everyone is out 'partying', well maybe i do.