Thanksgiving - now and then

This Thanksgiving will mark the first in many years that all my siblings will be together with my parents and with all our children! I'm very excited about a new nephew in the family and I'm on the verge of starting a new phase of my life. Last year the children spent the day with their father and it was the first Thanksgiving since becoming a mom that I was not with my children. In some ways it was painful and yet, it was also a joyous occasion and I thank my father for letting me bring my new boyfriend along and not throwing him out LOL.

As it turns out, last year was also the last Thanksgiving for my grandmother who died a month ago yesterday. She will be greatly missed as we gather around the table and it will be hard too; especially for my mother, for whom the pain of her loss is still fresh. Still I'm so glad that I did go home - I'm grateful I spent some time with my grandmother before she passed on. She was a strong willed woman, full of passion and opinion, she led a full life - filled with both hardships, heartaches, and lots of love. I miss her and I know that there will be many times in the future that I will be sad she is not here to share my children's milestones such as graduations and weddings. I love you Grandma - may you rest in peace.

So this year, I'm thankful for the past I had with my loved ones who, like my grandmother, are no longer here with us. I'm also thankful for a new life, one with happiness and affection and love - a new life without the subjugation of my last relationship.

PEACE

TALKING TABOO: this week's topic ADDICTION

there are a lot of folks out there that when they hear the word "ADDICTION", a picture of some deadbeat, missing-teeth, living on the streets, strung out dope junkie comes to mind. the truth is that many people are addicted to many things and no one would EVER know just by LOOKING at them.
webster defines addiction as

1. the quality or state of being addicted <addiction to reading>

2. compulsive need for and use of a habit-forming substance (as heroin, nicotine, or alcohol) characterized by tolerance and by well-defined physiological symptoms upon withdrawal

broadly : persistent compulsive use of a substance known by the user to be harmful

so what's the difference between a compulsion, an addiction and just a habit? i guess the word
addiction automatically means BAD; in other words, no one complains about milk addiction or a meat compulsion or a chocolate habit. ADDICTION also means something that the user doesn't WANT to do but CAN'T STOP.

so what are your addictions? mine is easy - alcohol. i like to drink; i DON'T like when i cannot drink; when i do drink, i tend to drink too much unless i make a very concerted effort not to over-indulge. i have to give myself a limit and then work at keeping that limit. i'm not alone and i'm not ashamed. I WILL BE IN CONTROL. PERIOD.

CMA Award disappointments and "yayes"

sorry but i just don't get it - all the fuss about taylor swift. i mean ok she sells lots of records and her shows are sold out, stadiums full of tween girls and their moms, aunts, older sisters, etc. maybe i'm wrong but IMHO, all the other nominees deserved the Entertainer of the Year more than miss swift. of course, were i 30 or 35 years younger, i would totally be jumping for joy when her name was announced as the winner. i find her voice irritating and her lyrics corny. now
i was happy to see the band perry whom i love! the lead vocalist with her slightly raspy voice and their kick-ass lyrics make for wonderful music for my ears. i didn't catch all of the show but i would have like to have seen pistol annies sing "hell on heels". miranda lambert sure does it in my book! another strong women who strums a mean guitar; jason aldean is another one i like although the rapping in the middle of "country road" kind of ruined the song for me - it would be one of my favs if not for the rapping. i mean there' s reason i listen to country and not rap..... HELLO???

some of my all time favorite quotes

"Good people will do good things, and bad people will do bad things. But for good people to do bad things... that takes religion."

~Stephen Weinberg

Bobby ‘Tom-Tom’ Bly doesn’t know what he’s talking about. He says you need to go out in the woods for three days to ‘find your wild man’. In Texas we get the same result in three hours. It’s called ‘beer’.

Joe Bob Briggs, the real founder of the Men’s Movement &

John Bloom’s alter ego

“We judge ourselves by our intentions, but others judge us by our behaviors.”
-Eric Harvey

"Not everything that can be counted counts and not everything that counts can be counted." - Albert Einstein

Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it.

- G.B. Shaw

"Don't be afraid that your life will end,

be afraid that it will never begin!”

~anonymous~

“You train bears and dogs, you educate human beings.”

~Stanley Marcus~

“Writing is like prostitution- first you do it for the love of it, then you do it for a few friends, and finally you do it for money”.

~Moliere, French playwright~

“I have not yet become all that I am”.

~Disney’s The Lion King~

“What others say and do is far less important that what you have to offer”.

~anonymous~

Favorite book plate-

Steal not this book, for it you do

The worth of it will follow you.

And when you die, the Lord will say,

“Where is that book you stole away?”

And if you say “I cannot tell”,

The Lord will cast you into Hell!”

~anonymous~

"It is not our abilities that show what we truly are. It is our choices".
Albus Dumbledore,
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

Conflict is inevitable, but combat is optional.

Max Lucado

"The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts." --Bertrand Russell

No. Try not. Do…or do not. There is no try.

Yoda, Jedi Master

The Empire Strikes Back, 1980

=> There are teachers, and then there are educators. ;-)

Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is to tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.

~Hermann Goring

Be who you are and say what you feel, those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.

Dr. Seuss

"No matter where you go, there you are" -- (Buckaroo Banzai,The

Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension) Earl Mac Rauch

“How I hate the man who talks about the “brute creation”, with an ugly emphasis on brute….As for me, I am proud of my close kinship with other animals. I take a jealous pride in my Simian ancestry. I like to think that I was once a magnificent hairy fellow living in the trees, and that my frame has come down through geological time via sea jelly and worms and Amphioxus, Fish, Dinosaurs, and Apes. Who would exchange these for the pallid couple in the Garden of Eden?”

W. N. P. Barbellion

It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.

Unknown

Read not to contradict and confute, nor to believe and take for granted: But to weigh and consider.

Francis Bacon.

Annelle: Miss Truvy, I promise that my personal tragedy will not interfere with my ability to do good hair.

From “Steel Magnolias”

“Only when the last tree has died and the last river been poisoned and the last fish been caught will we realize we cannot eat money.” Cree Indian Proverb

"When you find yourself on the side of the majority, it's time to re-think your position."
~Mark Twain

memories of autumns past.....

today is the first day of fall 2011. this is my FAVORITE SEASON. why? well for starters, it usually means we have seen the last of 105degree afternoons. other favorite things about fall are -

FOOTBALL

MY BIRTHDAY

HALLOWEEN

COOLER WEATHER

oh and one more thing, FALL is when i do just that, i fall in love. all the 'great' loves of my life (ok, there's not THAT many) have begun during this time.

TALKING TABOO: this week's topic - Fat

FAT. there's no getting around it, i'm fat.

word/phrase association game: our word for the day is FAT

battle of bulge
big-boned
"I'm not fat, I'm fluffy"
beer gut
love handles
muffin top
coach potato

and the dreaded
COW

let's just be honest with ourselves and our current society - THIN IS IN
but its not just a body type, its a lifestyle, for many its false hope, its peer pressure for everyone to look the SAME even in light of the knowledge [well everyone SHOULD know this] that we are all DIFFERENT. The concept that the fraction of a percent of woman my age and height that are a size 0 are suppose to be my role model, well its just NUTS.

and no matter how i diet, i'm never going to look like the models in the magazines and i'm okay with that.

recently a not-yet-released children's book "Maggie goes on a diet" made a big stink over the internet. the problem, well its tricky, YES children today are suffering from obesity and the related health issues but telling young girls that they need to LOSE WEIGHT to meet a certain NUMBER ON A SCALE or certain CLOTHES SIZE is wrong! encouraging healthy foods and an active lifestyle is GOOD. Letting our young girls and boys know that everyone has a different body type and that's is MORE IMPORTANT TO BE FIT THAN TO BE THIN is a far better road to travel down. Oh, and losing 50 pounds, becoming a star soccer player and turning into the most popular girl story line SUX. really? a person's size dictates who they are and how people treat them? its just wrong......

SO, if size 0 is not for me, what is my 'ideal size'? how about a size 12, 14, 16? or a 10? i was perfectly happy as a "10"......

BUT for the most part, i'm happy with myself now - and i passed the size 10 up several sizes [and months] back. the truth is, i actually feel more desirable now than i can remember in my 40 something years. i feel attractive and sexy and while MOST of americans, especially the guys, might look at me and think "O M G! should she really be wearing THAT with those hips and butt?" i don't care.

what's my secret? well instead of changing my DIET, i changed men. LOL. yes, i'm with someone that makes me FEEL great about myself and my added 'loveliness'. THAT has made all the difference in the world to me, not the number on my clothes, not the number on the scale.

photo credit: Maggie Goes on a Diet by Paul Kramer

Talking Taboo - this week's topic: suicide

September 4-10 is National Suicide Prevention Week.

September 10 is World Suicide Prevention Day

Every 16 minutes in the US, someone dies of suicide. I knew someone who died this way and my immediate reaction was utter SHOCK. It seemed impossible; a bad nightmare; misinformation, ANYTHING but suicide.....

Until very recently, I had not thought of taking one's life as a MENTAL ILLNESS. But of course it is - when you think about it logically, KILLING YOURSELF is crazy! ok, so much for being PC. It is ILLOGICAL to feel that death is the answer; especially to inflict it upon oneself. Through nature and evolution, we are programmed to WANT TO LIVE - the instinct for survival has led our charge as a species, through millennia, the human spirit has overcome obstacle after another, powered by the WILL TO LIVE.

The depths of depression that lead some to believe that their lives are meaningless and therefore worthless are had to fathom for those of us that have not been stricken with it. And that's the point folks - people who commit suicide are NOT weak or selfish; they are ill.

Look around people - your family, your friends, your children and their friends too - YOU could be the one to help someone who is unable to help themselves.

According to the National Council for Suicide Prevention, here are some of the signs of suicide risk:

• Hopelessness
• Rage, uncontrolled anger, seeking revenge
• Acting reckless or engaging in risky activities, seemingly without thinking
• Feeling trapped - like there's no way out
• Increased alcohol or drug use
• Withdrawing from friends, family and society
• Anxiety, agitation, unable to sleep or sleeping all the time
• Dramatic mood changes
• Someone threatening to hurt or kill him/herself, or talking of wanting to hurt or kill him/herself
• Someone looking for ways to kill him/herself by seeking access to firearms, available pills, or other means
• Someone talking or writing about death, dying or suicide, when these actions are out of the ordinary for the person

The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273- TALK [8255]

Visit www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

Katy Perry should NOT be on Seseame Street but not because of her boobs

i recently read about how Katy Perry's 'duet' with Elmo was scrubbed
after complaintsshe showed too much cleavage. HA!
first of all, she really isn't all that endowed,
and secondly, the outfit was 10 times more conservative
than we have ever seen in ANY of her videos or award show performances.
No, the reason Perry should not dancing with our fav little red
monster is her SONGS.

they are FULL OF NOT SO GOOD MESSAGES FOR ANYONE, MUCH LESS
THE UNDER 25 or under 5 CROWD.

i personally despise the "E.T." song she does with the male
singing such finethings as "i'm going probe you, i abducted
you so i control you" -
WTF? i make it a rule to change the radio station every time
that song comes up.
and i will leave my thoughts about Ke-sha for another time.

One of the reasons Sesame Street producers gave for doing such
features with contemporary actors and musicians is to make the
show entertaining  for both parents and children. i'm sorry but
as a parent, you make sacrifices for your children on a
daily basis and having to endure 'kiddie friendly' programing is
one of them.PERIOD.
time goes by fast and soon enough, you'll be dancing with your
teenage daughter to MTV, unless of course, they are playing the
following song.

but i stray from my original ranting and raving LOL

Perry's latest song to hit the airwaves [at least in my neck of
the woods] is Friday T.G.I.F. talk about GLAMORIZING and
SUGARCOATING and ENCOURAGING binge drinking, this takes the
cake. or should i say 'takes the keg'?

the following are just a few gems from this 'DON'T EVER, EVER
WANT MY DAUGHTER SINGING THIS SONG' [oh and i just HATE it when
said daughter tells me excuses like the lyrics
are just a metaphor! i have also been known to 'shut down'
rhianna and eminem]


There's a stranger in my bed 
There's a pounding in my head
Glitter all over the room
Pink flamingos in the pool
I smell like a minibar 
DJ's passed out in the yard
Barbies on the barbecue
Is this a hickey or a bruise?  
Pictures of last night
ended up online I'm screwed,
oh well It's a blacked-out blur  
but I'm pretty sure it ruled, damn!  
Last Friday Night Yeah,
we danced on table tops
And we took too many shots  Think we kissed,  but I forgot 
Last Friday night Yeah,
we maxed our credit cards
And got kicked out of the bars
So we hit the boulevard
Last Friday night
We went streakin in the park
Skinny dipping in the dark
Then had a menage a trois 
Last Friday night Y
yeah, I think we broke the law
Always say we're gonna
stop op owwhoaa
This Friday night, (do it all again)
This Friday night, (do it all again)
Trying to connect the dots 
Don't know what to tell my boss
Think the city towed my car
Chandelier's on the floor
Ripped my favorite party dress
Warrants out for my arrest 
Think I need a ginger ale
That was such an epic fail
Pictures of last night ended up online,
I'm screwed, oh well  It's a blacked-out blur
but I'm pretty sure it ruled, 
damn  Last Friday Night Yeah, we danced on table tops
And we took too many shots
Think we kissed,  but I forgot 
Last Friday Night Yeah,

Last Friday night Yeah,
I think we broke the law
Always say we're gonna stop op o whoaa
oh This Friday night, (do it all again)
This Friday night, (do it all again)
This Friday night  T.G.I.F, T.G.I.F, T.G.I.F, T.G.I

just call out the SWAT team! don't cancel fireworks

with the state of Texas under a burn ban [all the counties except for a few along the OK/TX border] i wasn't too surprised that the fireworks for the 4th of July were cancelled - my son was especially disappointed but i was SHOCKED to discover the real reason why this was so..... the police dept feared too big of a crowd. for some reason, the mentality seemed to be that since Austin and San Antonio had cancelled their shows, the department feared thousands upon thousands of out-of-towners would descend upon San Marcos and controlling the crowds of people pushed the department to cancel our show. REALLY? REALLY?

why wasn't the SWAT team put on call instead?
during the last 2 weeks ALONE, the San Marcos Police have called out the SWAT team 3 times -

case 1. man robs shopper in walgreens parking lot with knife - poor thing, she lost the $3 she had on her and i'm sure she had the sh*t scared out of her. police follow suspect to home and since the crime was a 'violent' attack and he didn't seem to come out of the residence immediately, the SWAT team was called out. no firearms found but suspect apprehended.

case 2. a fight at a party breaks out and a man and woman are accused of stabbing and kicking fellow party-goers [no one was killed but a several were injured nonetheless] and again, due to the violent nature of the crime, the SWAT team was called upon to apprehend the suspects. of course, one of them was released on a PR bond - so violent as to warrant the SWAT team but not so bad as to have to put up bail? WHAT?

case 3. the last and most tragic case, involved the death of an Iraqi veteran and Texas State student; the san marcos are alerted by a suicide crisis center and an officer arrives at the scene and told by fellow roommates that the vet is armed. and you guessed it, the SWAT team arrived however, by the time they actually entered the building, it was too late. the newspaper article states the young man killed himself prior to the arrival of the police.

photo credit:
http://www.revousa.org/swat-team-targets-indebted-college-graduate

i like my chocolate..... by itself please

maybe its just me - it usually is - but i wonder sometimes what people are thinking when they add chocolate chips to things that normally would NOT have them or IMHO, don't NEED them. for example, sprinkling some chocolate chips on your ice cream - good! adding a few to melt in your coffee or add some extra chocolatey zing to your hot coco, OK, i'm good with that but lately some of my favorite things have been invaded by over-enthusiastic chocolate chip sprinklers such as banana nut bread - already full of yumminess; homemade pancakes - again, already delicious and with the syrup, do you really need to add something more that's sweet? and now, the latest victim of the wide spreading fad - banana pudding! alas, i will continue to indulge as these things are baked, cooked, and prepared and offered to me free of charge but when no one is looking, i'll be trashing them.................

making flour tortillas

Making home made flour tortillas is a great way to say THANK YOU with food :)

so here's the recipe:
first, turn on your comal* on medium-low heat and grease lightly with some cooking oil on a paper towel

*my comal or griddle, is a 10" round cast iron one

ingredients:
one handful of shortening [tradition calls for lard but i use crisco all vegetable - not the butter flavor]; about 1/2 cup

one cup, more or less, of very warm tap water [or you can heat some water up in the microwave like in do, in a coffee mug]

2 cups all purpose flour

medium pinch of baking soda

medium pinch of salt

directions:
mix dry ingredients thoroughly

add shortening and break it up as small as possible, mixing it into the masa [dough] well

make a 'hole' in the middle of the dry masa and add 1/2 of the water

mix well and add more water [or flour] as needed so that your dough is not too wet or too dry
[it should resemble bread dough]

knead your masa until it is nice and smooth, roll it into a ball, place back in mixing bowl and cover with a dish towel for 10 minutes or so

next, break off chunks of the dough and shape into spheres about an inch in diameter

prepare your rolling pin by spreading a thin layer of flour on it and dust your rolling surface; you can also sprinkle a bit of flour on your 'ball' of masa to prevent sticking

roll out your masa until flat but not too thin - rotate your tortilla one quarter of the way to keep your tortilla in a perfectly round shape [this is the hardest part for me - mine have been known to resemble different states LOL]

cook on your now well heated comal for about 2 minutes - turn your tortilla over when large bubbles appear and cook for another 2 to 3 minutes

ENJOY

so, why WON'T you recycle?

over the years, i've gotten used to separating 'trash' from 'compost' from 'recyclables'. it was messy and required some extra work on my part but i did it for the supposed greater good i e saving the planet. oh and i was married to someone who was just a bit, well how to put this in a nice way, was FANATICAL about the issue. of course, if you use lots of water to clean said recyclables before tossing them in the bin, are you wasting one precious resource to protect another? what is more precious - raw materials or water? well any way, that's a question for another time....

so lets say recycling is GOOD for the planet and what's good for the planet is good for its inhabitants - like humans - with me so far? so the city has tried to encourage this habit by providing [at your tax dollars expense of course] convenient bins on wheels that look just like the trash cans but different color lid. and its single stream which means that all acceptable materials can be thrown in all together. got the picture?

so at our apartment complex, the recycle bins are on the 'grass' side of the dumpsters. it perplexes me to watch people walk PAST the recycle bins to throw their cans/bottles/cardboard etc in the dumpster. do they not KNOW that the trash they just throw out could have been placed in the CLOSER and convenient bin that they had to walk past?
or do they just REFUSE to recycle? why would someone refuse to do something that is both GOOD and CONVENIENT?
do they think its a conspiracy?
a fraud?
is it a political/social/race thingey? you know, like I'M A CONSERVATIVE AND ONLY LIBERALS RECYCLE
or is more of a social thingey.......ONLY HIPPIES 'SAVE' TRASH FROM THE DUMPSTER
or is it a race thingey............YOU NOT WHITE [brown, red, yellow - take your pick] THEN WHY YOU RECYCLING?

so here's MHO, which is the whole point of my blog, the MORE items that i can recycle INSTEAD of putting in my trashcan, saves me money. yes, that's right $$$$$$. okay, maybe not a whole lot of money but since i have to BUY TRASH BAGS, the less bags i use, the less $$$ i spend on plastic bags that i'm going to throw away anyway. and i HATE buying something that is specifically going to be THROWN IN THE TRASH.

it boggles this pea brain......

1950s are SO OVER

Dos and DON'Ts for a 1950’s housewife appeared in a 1955 edition of Good House Keeping Magazine

• Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

• After all, catering to his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

• Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.

• Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

• Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.

• Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.

• A good wife always knows her place.

so here is MY RESPONSE:

To All Husbands (and men to hope to be) -

Remember your wife had more than one suitor to choose from and you must work to keep your #1 spot.

You will NEVER know the pain and hardship your wife went through to bear your children– you need to show your gratitude for this everyday. (no matter how many diapers you change or bottles you fix, its nothing compared to going through labor!)

If your wife is the one who has to do all the housework and childcare, how can you expect her to have any time and energy to be intimate with you?
(studies show husbands who help around the house, have more sex!)

Marriage is a partnership and therefore, both partners should have a say.

And last but not least, regardless of what your buddies in the locker room say, a big d**k is NOT all we are looking for and will only make up for so much.

Funny Forwards: Men are Just Happier People

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura,
Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and
John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for
$32.50.None of them will have anything smaller and none
will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket
calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need
but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his
bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor,
a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these
items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any
argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of
a new argument.

CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money
than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants,
empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
A woman knows all about her children. She knows
about dentist appointments and romances, best friends,
favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the
house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his
mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the
same thing.

Funny Forwards: Obama "exotic" but Palin "American"

I'm a little confused. Let me see if I have this
straight.....

* If you grow up in Hawaii, raised by your grandparents,
you're "exotic, different."
* Grow up in Alaska eating moose burgers, a
quintessential American story.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* If your name is Barack you're a radical, unpatriotic
Muslim.
* Name your kids Willow, Trig and Track, you're a
maverick.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* Graduate from Harvard law School and you are unstable.
* Attend 5 different small colleges before graduating,
you're well grounded.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


* If you spend 3 years as a brilliant community organizer,
become the first black President of the Harvard Law Review,
create a voter registration drive that registers 150,000 new
voters, spend 12 years as a Constitutional Law professor,
spend 8 years as a State Senator representing a district
with over 750,000 people, become chairman of the state
Senate's Health and Human Services committee, spend 4
years in the United States Senate representing a state of
13 million people while sponsoring 131 bills and serving
on the Foreign Affairs, Environment and Public Works and
Veteran's Affairs committees, you don't have any
real leadership experience.


* If your total resume is: local weather girl, 4 years on
the city council and 6 years as the mayor of a town with
less than 7,000 people, 20 months as the governor of a state
with only 650,000 people, then you're qualified to
become the country's second highest ranking executive.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


* If you have been married to the same woman for 19 years
while raising 2 beautiful daughters, all within Protestant
churches, you're not a real Christian.

* If you cheated on your first wife with a rich heiress,
and left your disfigured wife and married the heiress the
next month, you're a Christian.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


* If you teach responsible, age appropriate sex education,
including the proper use of birth control, you are eroding
the fibre of society.

* If, while governor, you staunchly advocate abstinence
only, with no other option in sex education in your
state's school system while your unwed teen daughter
ends up pregnant, you're very responsible.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


* If your wife is a Harvard graduate lawyer who gave up a
position in a prestigious law firm to work for the
betterment of her inner city community, then gave that up to
raise a family, your family's values don't
represent America's.

* If you're husband is nicknamed "First
Dude", with at least one DWI conviction and no
college education, who didn't register to vote until age
25 and once was a member of a group that advocated the
secession of Alaska from the USA, your family is extremely
admirable.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
OK, much clearer now.

Funny Forwards: Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies

Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies

1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup or brown sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila

Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl,
check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality,
pour one level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter
in a large fluffy bowl.

Add one peastoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point
it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still ok, try another
cup just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy.

Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup
of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit off the floor.

Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters just pry
it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who geeves
a sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table.

Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can
find.

Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall
over.

Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the
Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the wishdasher.

Cherry Mistmas !

Funny Forwards: Banned from Wal-Mart

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she loved to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Gilbert
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Gilbert are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras .

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4 July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

2. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through yelled, 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed, 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least...

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

Sincerely,
Wal-Mart

Funny Forwards: "Happy" M&Ms

Funny Forwards: Funny Texan

Friendly Texan or Too Tight Mini-skirt

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing
a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it
was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to
allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she
reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give
her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to
discover that she couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to
unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.
Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip
a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her
up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled,
"How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree
with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind'a figured we was
friends."

funny forwards: A Woman's Prayer

A Woman's Prayer:

Dear Lord, I pray for:
Wisdom, To understand a man;
Love, To forgive him and;
Patience, For his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength
I'll just beat him to death

funny forwards - Dear Tech Support

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0.
I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that
took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0
installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system
activity.
Applications such as Poker Night 10.3 - Football 5.0 -
Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system
whenever selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while
attempting to run my favorite applications.

I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't
work on Wife 1.0.
Please help!

Thanks,
A Troubled User.

_________________________

REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade
from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and
Entertainment program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run
EVERYTHING!!!
It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It
is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once
installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed not to allow
this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support." I
recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation.
I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate
software augmentation. The best course of action is to enter the command
C:\APOLOGIZE. Because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command
before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife
1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It
1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs.
Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5.
Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to
purchase additional software.
I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0.

Warning!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, Install Secretary With Short
Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause
irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

20 things that would ruin a wedding besides numbers on a scale

the following is in response to one of those 'reality' shows........ all the opinions that appear in this blog are strictly IMHO

the 20 top things that would ruin my wedding BEFORE numbers on a scale-

20. the florists messes up and instead of yellow roses, you have red tulips which now totally clash with your bridesmaids' dresses

19. uncle rob/sam/chuey/bob gets too drunk to drive your grandmother home and you get stuck paying for a cab and a hotel room with your gift card VISA that said grandmother gave you

18. an ex-boyfriend shows up UN-invited

17. said ex shows up with current girlfriend who wants you to 'step outside'

16. the wedding cake gets poked by your 3 year nephew REPEATEDLY and he has green snot flowing out of his nose

15. you get your period a week earlier than you thought and now you wished you had taken that dare and ordered a RED wedding dress

14. all of the grooms men have rashes on their faces because after the rehearsal dinner, they thought playing football in the field infested with poison ivy would be fun

13. your father who was going to 'give you away' gets food poisoning from the rehearsal dinner and in the hospital the day of the wedding

12. your mother misses your wedding because of 13 - she can't leave her hospital bed either

11. the band you hired for the dance goes AWOL and your younger brother shows up with his garage band as a replacement and they can only play Guns N Roses songs

10. you trip getting out of the limo and ALL of your guests hear you yell "OH F*CK" in front of the church

9. the minister misses your mouth and pours RED communion wine down the front of your wedding dress

8. the minister DRANK all the communion wine before the service and is now slurring so badly you begin to doubt if your marriage is valid

7. the hall you reserved for your June wedding in Texas experiences A/C failure

6. the sunny beautiful wedding you planned at the banks of the river turns into a flash flood that sets a state record for destruction

5. you cough and giggle uncontrollably throughout the entire ceremony due to nerves, ending by saying "I DO" with a loud fart

4. a elderly uncle at the dance becomes over excited and drops dead in the middle of dancing to "Celebration" with his 30something girlfriend

3. the caterer forgets the bride's mother is allergic to peanuts and uses peanut oil to cook the meal

2.the groom shows up late because he was bailing a friend out of jail and he's hung over and still tripping on the hit of acid he dropped the night before at the bachelor's party, making for a not-so-hot honeymoon night

AND THE #1 THING THAT WOULD RUIN A WEDDING BESIDES NUMBERS ON A SCALE:
the groom skips town and you're left alone, standing at the altar

side effects vs quality of life

while i should be used to this already, having lived in a capitalistic society my whole life, i am still shocked and appalled at the thought that medical research is driven by DRUG companies that want to make money INSTEAD of being driven by scientists and doctors who want to CURE patients. for example, the debate over whether or not marijuana should be legalized for MEDICINAL PURPOSES. thousands of testimonials don't mean a hill of beans in the 'scientific' world however the studies that have suggested that this plant which has been used for thousands of years by various cultures for a multitude of ailments really DOES have medicinal value are NEVER taken to the next step due to the lack of funding AND the obstacles that testing with an illegal substance present. while i have enjoyed smoking for relaxation and 'recreational' purposes in the past, it sickens me when i think about all those who are suffering that could be helped by this plant. the hypocrisy of it makes me vomit as there are THOUSANDS of drugs prescribed daily to millions of people that have FAR WORSE SIDE EFFECTS than those present with marijuana. and those drugs are prescribed for things that are not debilitating; chronic pain, nausea, seizures, anxiety - these are all things that greatly affect the quality of life, the ability to make a living, care for oneself and children, spouses, parents, etc. for example, there are plenty of medicines that are so damaging to your liver and kidneys that patients must be tested every 6 months. it makes no sense to me that drugs that have the ability to permanently damage your organs [and these are necessary for LIFE], that side effects like those are considered OK by the drug company and FDA standards BUT the incidental 'high' one MAY get from marijuana is a big NO-NO, no matter how great the benefits are.
i have seen first hand the ravages of chemo therapy and radiation and i have witnessed first hand the wonders marijuana can do for regaining one's appetite and overcoming the constant nausea that comes from a treatment that is basically KILLING parts of your insides. the attached video was very informative on the current state of the campaign to legalize medicinal marijuana. hope you get a chance to watch and be informed. THE DRUG COMPANIES SHOULD NOT DETERMINE WHETHER OR NOT YOU OR YOUR LOVED ONES HAS ACCESS TO WHAT IS NEEDED TO BE HEALTHY, TO LIVE BETTER.

link for PBS video http://watch.montanapbs.org/video/1825223761/

photo credit:
http://blogs.sfweekly.com/thesnitch/2009/09/chronic_city_summing_up_the_ev.php

The Best Foods For Better Sex | Eat This, Not That

The Best Foods For Better Sex | Eat This, Not That

love quotes, love songs, love movies- Mary's list

okay, here is MY LIST of quotes about love, some 'most romantic/best love' songs and a few movies too. its a very short list, esp the movies since i tend to run away from the hollywood traditional 'love' story.

PART ONE - quotes about LOVE

"Spread love everywhere you go: first of all in your own house. Give love to your children, to your wife or husband, to a next door neighbor... Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier. Be the living expression of God's kindness; kindness in your face, kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile, kindness in your warm greeting."
—Mother Teresa

"I love you for the part of me that you bring out."
—Elizabeth Barrett Browning

"Love and kindness are never wasted. They always make a difference. They bless the one who receives them, and they bless you, the giver."
—Barbara DeAngelis

"For twas not into my ear you whispered
But into my heart
Twas not my lips you kissed
But my soul"
—Judy Garland

"Love is missing someone whenever you're apart, but somehow feeling warm inside because you're close in heart."
—Kay Knudsen

"Love doesn't just sit there, like a stone; it has to be made, like bread, remade all the time, made new."
—Ursula K. Le Guin

"A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person."
—Mignon McLaughlin

"Draw a circle, not a heart, around the one you love because a heart can break but a circle goes on forever."
— Unknown

PART TWO - my fav romantic/love songs

"Lady" - Styx
"Lady" - Kenny Rogers
"You Look Wonderful Tonight" – Eric Clapton
"Let Me" –Pat Green
"Natural Woman" – Carol King
"Talk To Me" – Sunny & the Sunglos
"Your Song" - Elton John

PART THREE - my fav romance/love movies

"My Sweet November"
"Corpse Bride"
"Practical Magic"
"Baby Boom"
"Bedazzled"
"West Side Story"

okay, i have a quirky sense of "love" stories - really, i run from, run screaming from them for the most part...

PART FOUR: my fav books about LOVE

Wuthering Heights
Little Women

ok, again, when i was growing up and an avid reader, can you say 'book worm'?, i tended towards the Stephen King - Dean Koontz section as well as J.R.R.Tolkein, Edgar Allen Poe, etc.... you get the picture

and my one of my favorite quotes on marriage, actually, part of the vows in Tim Burton's "The Corpse Bride" -

With this hand I will lift your sorrows. Your cup will never be empty, for I will be your wine. With this candle, I will light your way into darkness. With this ring, I ask you to be mine.


PHOTO CRDEDIT:
SCRAPETV.COM

countdown to Valentine's day 2011

well folks i have BIG plans for the big V-day such as posting a 'love' quote on facebook today through monday, a survey of all time MOST romantic love songs, books, movies, etc and blogging about memorable and not so memorable V-days of the past. as always, the things i write here are all IMHO - that is, its not right, its not wrong, its just IN MY HUMBLE OPINION. also i want to express my appreciation for another blogger's piece titled 'four things every guy should learn to do' by scott johnson.

here are the 4 things every guy should learn to do:
1. clean up after yourself
2. cook a nice dinner - not just mac & cheese out of the box
3. how to give a foot massage
4. how to DANCE

i particularly love the last one. i mean what is more romantic than being in your man's arms as you dance across the dancefloor [well i guess it usually in large circles], stealing an occasional kiss or gazing deeply into each others' eyes...no its only MORE romantic if is a love song and he is singing to you. of course gyrating and 'grinding' on the dance floor, getting all sweaty, can be equally desirable :)

first, my all time PET PEEVES about Valentine's Day:
1. flowers bought at the gas station on the way home at the last minute! this is only worse if you add one of those horribly cheaply made stuffed animals

2. all the fuss about roses - yes, they are classic, they are classy but maybe your favorite flower is a sunflower or tulips or lillys!

3. cheap chocolate! don't skimp here especially if your loved one LOVES the dark beauty; one or two fine pieces beats a pound of hersey's kisses any day

4. over priced dinners and over crowded restaurants - you do NOT have to make reservations 3 months in advance to a "fancy" place you have never been to [unless of course your loved one has been begging to go there for the last 3 months] pick a place that not only would you enjoy any night of the week but even better, pick one that has memories - meaning to your relationship. yes the local pizza/burger/taco joint where you first took her/him or where you munched out after a hot date of dancing etc means TONS more than the fancy/schmancy over priced over crowded spot.

5. assuming its only about couples - its about LOVE and there are lots of people you love besides your special lady or your man; mothers, fathers, sisters, sons and daughters, brothers, even your co-workers deserve some LOVE. bake a cake, make cookies, bring breakfast tacos, etc.

OK, enough with the negative, here is some of my FAVORITE things to do for/with that special someone on Valentine's Day besides the typical dinner/movie date:

1. the picnic - i know depending on what the weather in your neck of the woods, this may mean a blanket spread on the floor in the living room or a meal taken in a screened in, heated porch.
what i like to have in my picnic basket: a good smoked sausage paired with a good smoked cheese, a fresh loaf of french bread, some fruit like grapes, granny smith apples or strawberries, olives or pickles [gotta have my salty snack fix], almonds or other favorite nuts, and a good bottle of dry white wine. YUM
picnics are romantic due to the privacy, simplicity, and leisure factor

2. a home cooked meal and dessert - no one can NOT feel good when they feel pampered and knowing your sweetheart worked hard in the kitchen so you don't have to, is very thoughtful and makes you feel oh so warm and special inside :) again, it doesn't have to be elaborate but i'm not talking opening a can of beef stew either. KNOWING what foods your significant other likes to eat is a MUST as well as being aware of any food allergies

3. a surprise gift - ok, yes diamonds may be a girl's best friend and cards, flowers, and candy the staples of the day but a well thought out gift hidden so that your loved one finds it unexpectedly totally ROCKS. for example, that hideous metal-band shirt that you ragged him about so he didn't buy, well he liked it so buy and then tuck it under his pillow or sneak into his car.

4. for the very serious, i'm going-to-my-grave with you relationships, matching tattoos. i know who really wants to spend the evening enduring pain while everyone is out 'partying', well maybe i do.

really? i'll get a firm butt by wearing these shoes????

okay, i was in desperate need of a new pair of tennis shoes [SIDE NOTE: why are they called 'tennis' shoes? i'm not playing tennis?] anyway, off to wal-mart we go - don't usually like to shop at the evil empire but like i said, i was desperate for shoes and my son needed pants that did not indicate flooded conditions LOL i will tell you now that i am not a 'SHOPPER', nope, contrary to the fact that i boobs and ovaries, i would rather NOT have to go shopping, call me weird! and i particularly do not like clothes and shoes shopping for myself - those 3 way mirrors in the dressing room reveal a side of me i'd rather forget, you know, my BACKSIDE that has gotten increasingly larger the past few years. [SIDE NOTE: i have this condition that does not allow me to recognize the ACTUAL size of my rump! its true, i am constantly getting stuck in between furniture, countertops, tables, etc due to my 'condition'; i also frequently knock things other, including small children, with my rump since i always UNDERESTIMATE its girth, width, awesome presence LOL]

and i also have hard to fit feet - i have no arch and they are almost as wide as they are long, sigh, you know those shoes the frankenstein monster wore? ok, those are the kind that fit the shape of my feet. nonetheless, i WAS not going home without a new pair of shoes - i really didn't care about the color, red outlines, pink strips, blue dots, lucky clovers, yellow moons, oh sorry, that's a cereal commercial. well, lo and behold there were 2, count them, 2 pairs of shoes in my size and i chose, you guessed it, the generic knock-off the the BUTT TONER shoes. what i really like about them is that they add about 2 1/2 inches to my height [at 4ft 11 3/4 inches, i could use all the height i can get!] the best part of the shopping trip however was my 14 year daughter teasing me about having a firm 'booty' - she did this little 'maneuver', a shake, indulating thingey that started at her feet and ended at her 'booty'. WOW, i thought, i can't move like that anymore, i don't think i could EVER move like that and i could wear these shoes 24/7. anyway, by summer and bathing suit wearing weather [cough, cough, cough LOUDLY] i should have a more toned and fit butt! we shall see...maybe i'll take before and after pix....NOT